I'm closing up shop here and moving into the Sloth webode (you see what I just did there? I just combined the words 'web' and 'abode' into a horrible obnoxious non-word). If you wish to continue reading pointless rants on all things geeky, click on the overenlarged space taxi:
Laters.
I have a very important announcement to make. November 8, 2006 is possibly the most important day of my life. Not because the American mid-term election results were to my liking, not because of the Britney/K-Fed breakup, and not because you can now get a 8,000 calorie burger. Today is the day I saw the video for Sneak King, the new Xbox game by Burger King.
Behold!
Sneak King is the first of a series of discount games that Burger King will be selling in their restaurants. It works like this: You are the "Burger King" and you sneak up behind hungry people and offer them Burger King products stored in your robes. Feel free to make your own innuendo, the possibilities are endless.
I suppose I would probably find this less entertaining if I was actually exposed to Burger King's television advertising campaign that this is an extension of and I suppose I'm much more excited about this than the two people who will read this post, so humour me. Share in my excitement of a new world, where fast-food restaurant chains can once again make mediocre video games to help sell their crappy food, and our children can play the role of a creepy king, sneak up behind a dude, and slip him the Whopper.
...I find something like this.
Yes, that is an actual wedding cake. More images here.
First off, apologies for the massive delay for this, I've been out stretching owls.
If a picture is worth 1000 words, the following animated GIFs and video will make your head explode with literary gigantitude*. Tah!
Hey everyone, check out Sony Europe's new slogan for the PS3:
With the current difficulties that Sony's electronics division are going through, I assume this is indication that they are switching focus. Since "This is Living" can't possibly be a slogan for a $600USD gaming power machine, it is my belief that the Sony Playstation 3 is now a hammock.
Now THAT is living.
There is a long history of crappy licensed video games that have been pushed out to the market as tie-ins to consumer products. Typically these are forgettable clones of existing games starring The Smurfs, or The Lion King, or The Kool-Aid Man, or The Dominos Pizza Noid or the original cast of Beverly Hills 90210*.
In my youth, I learned very quickly that whenever I rented a game, I should avoid any game with a character I recognized outside of the video game market. If I made the mistake of renting a licensed title, I would invariably end up with a half-assed mess of awkward game mechanics, terrible repetitive music adaptations of insipid theme songs, and a plot that would make Uwe Boll roll his eyes.
Every once in a while a licensed game would come out that was so insane and overhyped, that I couldn't resist. For today's discussion, that game is Michael Jackson's Moonwalker for the Sega Genesis. Check out the commercial:
Seriously! There was no way I wouldn't play that game. It was just like being in the Smooth Criminal music video. It was a spectacle of pure spinning/jumping/backwards-walking/fedora-throwing beauty.
Based on the Direct-to-VHS movie "Moonwalker", it contained 5 worlds (Super Mario-style) of child rescuing, synchronized dancing, and monkey fondling. Each world featured a Sega Genesis Synth version of a classic MJ tune***. In each level, Jackson would have to search behind doors, under tables, in bushes, and in the trunks of cars for hidden children (all clones of the same little girl) who had all been kidnapped by an evil Joe Pesci for some nonsensical Lex Lutharian** world domination scheme. Once Michael discovered all of the children in the level, his chimpanzee, Bubbles, would hop on his shoulders and point out the direction of the level-boss. In tough situations, the King of Pop could sacrifice half of his health bar for a synchronized dance sequence which would mesmerize all enemies on screen then kill them with the power of his coolness.
The game was originally created with the help of Mr. Jackson, who apparently couldn't get enough of real-life hide-and-seek-with-children that he needed a home version to share with everyone. It follows the same formula for most of the rest of the game, until the very end where MJ transforms into a giant spaceship and blows up Pesci with rockets in the final level. No, I am absolutely serious. You don't believe me, do you? Okay then, watch this****
This, my friends, is an awesome game. But it is nothing compared to it's technologically superior predecessor.
Coming next: Michael Jackson's Moonwalker - The Arcade Game
* Including Shannon Doherty, who felt the 16x16 pixel version of her made her look "kinda chunky"**
** I made that up.
*** For some strange reason, the forest/graveyard level featured "Another Part of Me". I can't help but think there may have been a more appropriate, more famous Jackson tune.
**** For the love of God, don't watch all of it. Just skip to 21:30, when he transforms.*****
***** Yes Kevin, I stole your Blog gimmick. Hah!
(This is the third part of my Final Fantasy V rant. Part 1, Part 2)
To be fair, this fan translation is still much better than the original SNES release of Final Fantasy II (FFIV Japan).
Here are some of the more puzzling moments in FFV that I've encountered:
It's called "Swimming"
I could go for the obvious low-brow joke, but I'm going to attribute that one to the SNES controller.
Remember kids, only take what you can handle, and always know your dealer.
"Sage Guido" has some real primo Hiryuu weed.
